I recently had a similar experience and wanted to share how it changed my toxic thinking as well.
Just a few weeks ago, the negative mental energy was starting to build. I had recently applied for a full time position at a certain community college for an opening in their Theatre program there. I had been working there as an adjunct for the past three years, mostly in the Communications program, but my degree is in acting and I've been a professional theatre artist for more than 30 years now. I'm thankful for the break that the Communications program gave me to start my teaching career, but I'm really a theatre artist. It's where my strengths are. I'm not sure why the Chair of the Theatre program is uninterested in my work in theatre, but we'll get to that in a moment.
Where my toxic thinking started to affect me was when I decided to apply for that full time position. I wasn't remotely interested in working there full time because of the way the Chair of the Department treats people and (in my opinion) his terrible ideas, attitudes and educational methods. The reason I was applying for the job was because, well, I NEEDED THE MONEY.
As an adjunct teaching in today's higher education system, you get paid one fifth of what your colleagues who are full time get paid. You have to work at many different schools, work other jobs, continue to try to keep up your professional work and try to find some time to spend with your family and (rarely) friends and colleagues. We all have terminal degrees but are making just over poverty level wages. Many adjuncts I know are struggling, really struggling, to pay their bills while working as much as they can in higher education.
When the position opened up I was encouraged by one of my colleagues to apply for the position, but I resisted, knowing that the Chair was not interested in what I had to offer. I had applied for two other positions in the past, both times being turned down for ridiculous reasons. I am highly qualified to teach my subject and all of my student evaluations and the performance of my students in my classes reflect that.
This person, for whatever small and petty reasons he might come up with, does not want to work with me. I know this and I usually say, "Hey, I get it. I'll move on." But this supposed friend and colleague encouraged me to apply anyway. So, I screwed my courage to the sticking place and decided even if I didn't want the job, I'd do my best to get it and then decide later if I actually wanted to take on the position. So I prepared. I smiled. I put together the best interview presentation I could. My family needed me to get this job, so I'd give it my best shot and forget about all the rejections so far.
Day of my interview, my supposed friend shows up 10 minutes late to my interview and sits and frowns the whole time I'm doing my presentation, then refuses to participate in an acting exercise I've used in my classes that has always been very successful!
I was livid.
When I later asked why the person was behaving that way she replied, "I was trying to send you signals that it wasn't going very well." She then told me how terrible the presentation was and how I went over the ten minute time limit, ruining my chances at getting the job.
WHAT?!?!?
The presentation I did was based on a similar presentation at another college that was responsible for enrolling 10 more students into their theatre program. The exercise I did is often cited by students as one of the main reasons they felt comfortable in my classes. What she said makes no sense unless someone already comes in with an attitude that they are not going to like whatever it is that I do. Besides, I thought she was there for SUPPORT and ENCOURAGEMENT. Boy, was I wrong.
Needless to say, they hired a PhD from outside the state for the job, instead of promoting someone in their community who knows and relates very well to the students. They also told my students that I didn't have the job before they told me. The Chair never contacted me at all and still hasn't.
Anyway...I didn't really want the job, but...I had let all of this negative energy build up (and I needed the money because of the terrible pay of adjuncts) and as I did, I started having these really weird symptoms of extreme pain in the right side of my face, extreme fatigue, shoulder pain, strange migraines with auras and horizontal lines going across my vision, I started to forget the names of things and people, very weird neurological symptoms. So I hit the Google search button with my symptoms and started to worry. Did I have MS? Cancer? Lyme disease? Insanity? Early Alzheimers?
I made an appointment at a neurologist. She did some tests, some bloodwork, I had an MRI. Nothing was wrong with me! Medically. But after reading James' post, I am starting to think that it's the TOXIC THINKING that started to bring me down. When I asked the neurologist what causes migraines. She said, "We don't know. Incorrect chemicals get turned on in the brain. We don't know why." I said, "That's very interesting." TOXIC THINKING TURNS INTO TOXIC CHEMICALS IN THE BRAIN!!!
Those negative thoughts about why so-and-so betrayed me and why such-and-such doesn't like me and why can't I get a full-time position and I-suck-at-everything kinds of thought were having an actual, physical and neurological effect on my body. Applying for a job that I didn't really want because I needed the money and then being upset because I didn't get it...was toxic thinking. Thinking that it mattered somehow in the grand scheme of things what my friend and those people thought about my presentation was toxic thinking and it was making me sick.
Needless to say, I dropped those thoughts. Until just now. And I have to tell you something amazing. As I was writing this, the migraine symptoms started to come back for a second. The top of the computer screen started turning gray and it wasn't the computer, it was an aura, and my head started aching really badly. TOXIC THOUGHTS!!!
As I got down to this section, no lie, it disappeared. And here's the good news. After dumping the toxic thinking and making the decision not to engage with negativity or those negative people any more, my symptoms completely cleared up.
Not only that, but I've been struggling with my blood pressure for hmmmm THREE YEARS (notice that is the same amount of time I've been working at said toxic community college?) and I've been on Bystolic, a beta blocker, for the past two years. My blood pressure was consistenly at 130 over 90 something for several years. Well, after dumping the toxic thinking, dumping the beta blocker and dumping the community college, I went out and bought my first pair of running shoes in 10 years.
Now, I'm not back in the full swing of running again, but I've been running for about two or three weeks off and on, and when I went for my follow-up neurology appointment, my blood pressure, WITHOUT the beta blocker was 120 over 72! No lie. Amazing what dumping toxic thoughts, people and attitudes will do.
And here's the REAL KICKER. Not long after doing all this toxic dumping, I get called into the office of a real friend and real colleague at a four year institution of higher learning that graduates many more professional theatre artists than the community college I've been working for.
I was worried, toxic thoughts started to creep into my brain pan, but I breathed and let them go.
"We've got a temporary, full-time position for you next year, " he said. "If it were up to me, I'd bring you on full time right away." Sure, it's only temporary, but I'll be taking on a lot more responsibility and filling in for some people who are leaving or retiring. It'll be full time and I'll be getting paid enough to not have to go back to the toxic energy of that other place. I can focus on working for one school and one group of students. Dumping the toxic thinking led to what I wanted in the first place, a job with people who are supportive and who are making great theatre and training the next generation of theatre makers.
I highly encourage all of you to see where you are storing your toxic thoughts and dump them right now! Welcome those migraines with their beautiful auras and horizontal gray shadings and lightning pains shooting up the sides of your faces. They are a message from your beautiful brain, "Stop this toxic thinking and dump whatever it is that is causing it or I will put you through hell until you do!"
Live Life Creatively, folks!
Until next time...
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