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| Wayne Pyle as Sam (and 40 others) in FULLY COMMITTED at Shadowland Theatre, Ellenville, NY. |
This has been a particularly productive
time in my actor's life. I played Franklin in Liza Johnson's film
RETURN, starring Linda Cardellini and Michael Shannon, ended up in
the trailer and it opened in some great theaters and had great
reviews and lots of press across the country. I directed BRIGHTON BEACH MEMOIRS at SUNY Dutchess. I just finished working
on Eddie Mullins' new film, DOOMSDAYS, with Heidi. I'm
prepping right now to perform in Becky Mode's one-person comedy FULLY COMMITTED at Shadowland Theatre in Ellenville, NY. I'm directing
staged readings of two ten-minute plays for Half Moon Theatre Company
in Poughkeepsie, acting in another, preparing two other readings
for another Half Moon event, recording voiceover work for clients and working on
my own scripts as well as finishing up one semester of teaching and
trying to prepare for another at SUNY New Paltz.
Let's talk about the summer today. I've been
working on Becky Mode's FULLY COMMITTED for a few weeks now, trying
to get the 40 different characters I have to portray to play nice
with each other and working on a few pages each day to get a vague
idea of what each character wants, how they might sound, what
physicality they might embody and what else I might have to do to
fully commit to this whirlwind of a comedy. Each day brings new
insights and new challenges and I'm looking forward to working with
my director, Brendan Burke, to really get the play up on its feet and
try to figure out to make this farce fly.
At almost 90 intermissionless minutes, the memorization
task seems enormously daunting right now, but I know with steady work and
concentration I'll soon have the whole story in my mind and be ready
to explore these people and situations out there on the stage instead
of in my cramped living room. This is the first time I'm taking on
such a huge actor's task and looking at what I still have to
accomplish, I would say that the emotion I'm mostly feeling
is...SCARED.
I think it's healthy to be scared of
certain things like heights, snakes, weird looking plants, some
people, daunting acting challenges, because it's our body's way of
telling us, “Proceed with caution. Harm could be done.” Even
though it can be extremely painful at times, I do like to do things
that scare me, that take me out of my normal comfort zone, because I
know that in the past when I've “faced the fear” and done it
anyway, I've always grown as a person and an actor. I've definitely
gotten a few bumps and bruises and cuts and scrapes here and there,
but what an adventure I've had in the process.
Usually when I feel that fear coming
on, about memorization, auditioning, a role that I'm not sure I'm cut
out for, I try to focus on the work process and see where it leads
me, rather than focusing on the outcome that hasn't occurred yet. By
focusing on what I'm doing now, how I'm doing it, and why it is being
done, I become more present and that chattering voice that says
things like, “You'll never get those lines memorized, you're not
really very good at this, don't try THAT, that will never work,”
starts to get quieter. If I don't do that, that little voice gets
very, very LOUD.
By engaging in the struggle, feeling
the feelings of unworthiness or inauthenticity or stupidity or
whatever else might come up and acknowledging that those feelings are
there, I find that they dissipate much more quickly than when I try
to resist them and pretend they don't exist. By acknowledging the
fear and focusing on the process, I'm often left tired, but with a
great feeling of having done something worthwhile just because I did
it despite being afraid that I might fail.
What are some things you've done that
you've been afraid of but were later really glad you did them? I'd
love to hear from you.
Gotta go memorize some lines, but I'll leave you with this video of my first tandem skydive at The Ranch, in Gardiner, NY. I recommend jumping out of a plane to get your mind in the present pretty darn quickly. Scared, yes, but an amazing day and an experience I won't forget.
WP
I have always been afraid to be myself. I'm optimistic, high energy,loving, and crazy fun (or I like to think so) When I was younger people would make fun of me because I was always happy and had a lot of energy. When I was about three years-old I realized what I wanted to do as a dream job and when I was 12 told my family and friends what I wanted to do, most of them laughed at me. I overheard my father talk to my grandmother and told her that I would never be able to do it. During my highschool's production of Peter Pan I told a few of my cast memebers and they laughed in my face and told me that someone as crazy as me could do it. It didn't help. This is more of a "how to" get over the fear of being myself and doing the things that I love without worrying what other people would think.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the comment, Anon. I've been through a similar experience. My family has been supportive for the most part, though I do still hear an occasional, "When are you going to get a REAL job?"
DeleteBut when I was in high school, I once wrote an essay for an English teacher about how I would like to be an actor and work onstage and in films and maybe some day see my name on the credits of a film or on a marquee or in a Playbill. When I got the paper back, I had gotten a bad grade and the teacher wrote that my paper was "unrealistic" and that I should have written about something more attainable. She also told me that I would most likely have to give up my dream because that's what most adults have to do.
Well, I wish I could remember the name of the teacher and seek her out, because I've now appeared in the credits of five or six films, I toured with Broadway's The Lion King for five years all across the U.S. and my name was in Playbills and on marquees in theatres all over the country and I recently had the good fortune to even see my name on a poster for an event at Carnegie Hall!
I now know that seeing my name in the credits of something is not the most important part of this journey, it's a result of staying on the path I've chosen. I've learned that the quality of the experience and what I learn from taking the risks I've decided to take, is what has made my life in the arts one that is uplifting, fulfilling, creative, nurturing and successful. But at the time, as a 15 year old with not a lot of experience, I was dreaming of seeing my name up there meaning that I had accomplished something in the arts.
I remember being so angry with her at the time that she would just dismiss my ideas as unattainable and give me a bad grade on the paper as well. But now I think I'd like to thank her because I think that somehow her dismissal inspired me to keep going.
I think it just goes to show that with determination and effort, facing your fears, and like you say, not "worrying what other people would think" you can achieve something that others might wholeheartedly believe is impossible. Keep me posted, Anon! I'll be interested in hearing about your journey. Remember that the journey of 1000 miles begins with one step, make it a bold one!
WP